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Sexquestration

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Our government is obsessed with sex; now I know what you are thinking and no, I am not talking about the effort to legalize gay marriage. Nor am I talking about the Obama administrations’ obsession with forcing insurance agencies to cover contraceptives (even if it is against the organizations beliefs), though both these instances back up my main point. I am in fact talking about the dreaded sequestration. Again, I know what you are thinking: “sequestration? What does the sequestration have to do with our government being obsessed with sex?” I’m glad you asked (or more likely are just playing along to see where this thing goes).

When Obama signed the sequester (yes, he signed it, something he seems to forget when he bashes republicans on the issue) (1) he warned that many important things would be cut which would have a negative effect on the American people. But here is the thing; it is the government who decides what is to be cut. Here are just a couple examples of the cuts Obama’s government made “because of sequestration.”

One of the most controversial cuts (in terms of public opinion that is), is the stoppage of White House tours by the administration;

“Due to staffing reductions resulting from sequestration, we regret to inform you that White House Tours will be canceled effective Saturday, March 9, 2013 until further notice,” the White House email to legislative offices explains.” (2)

Now I don’t buy that these tours or any of the following cuts I will mention are cuts forced by the sequester; I believe that Obama is cutting these things in spite of the sequester, that is to say, Obama is cutting these things in order to make the sequestration painful or annoying when it didn’t have to be. But more on that in a minute; in what can only be called a slap in the face to the law, Obama has released over 2000 illegal immigrants from incarceration in the name of the sequester. (3)

As if that were not bad enough, it turns out that out of the 225 illegals’ that were released in Florida, 76 of them were being held on criminal convictions. Who knows what this number is for the rest of the country, but the fact that the Obama administration is releasing criminals is rage inducing. (4) In even more immigration related cuts, the administration is going to leave wide sections of our border open for hours at a time. (5) In other words, in order to make the sequester even more painful than it has to be (and believe me, it doesn’t have to be that painful), Obama is willing to renege on his constitutional duty of protecting our border.

It turns out that Obama is also going to close about 149 air traffic control towers and blame it on the sequester (6); these are only some of the examples of the things Obama shouldn’t have cut, but did anyway. But again, what does this have to do with our government being obsessed with sex? To answer this question, let’s look at two examples of ludicrous things that the government SHOULD have cut in the sequester, but instead, decided to keep funding.

One thing the government is still funding (and has been since 2009 due to the stimulus) is a Yale study that focuses on, among other things, the ‘Plasticity in Duck Penis Length’…that’s right, our tax dollars are being spent to study the lengths of a duck’s junk. The government had to free criminals and illegal immigrants due to the sequester, but they couldn’t afford to cut this fowl study? (Pun intended) (7)

The second project the government should have cut (at least for the purposes of this article) is a nearly 880k dollar grant which studies the benefits of snail sex. Really? The benefits of snail sex? What could they possibly hope to find? That snail sex is more pleasurable because it’s slower? What interest does the U.S. government even have in obtaining this knowledge; what information do they hope to uncover that private donors could not have funded themselves?

“The National Science Foundation awarded a grant for $876,752 to the University of Iowa to study whether there is any benefit to sex among New Zealand mud snails and whether that explains why any organism has sex…The study, first funded in 2011 and continuing until 2015, will study the New Zealand snails to see if it is better that they reproduce sexually or asexually – the snail can do both – hoping to gain insight on why so many organisms practice sexual reproduction.” (8)

You want to know why so many organisms practice sexual reproduction? The simple answer is that it takes two to tango; and you want to know why a lot of other organisms have sex? It’s because it is pleasurable, but again I ask why the U.S. government is even interested in this; how is this going to help them do their constitutionally authorized duties? And you know what’s worse? The study isn’t even going to be on American snails! What have we been telling you about all our money going to foreigners!?! Okay, I’m only kidding on that last point, but still, are you really telling me that we had to cut all these illegal immigration, border security, and White House touring expenses but you couldn’t bring yourself NOT to fund a study on snail sex?

Last time I checked, securing the border, keeping law breakers in jail, and allowing the people to tour a national landmark is more important than spending money to study the sex lives of animals. If along with these animal studies you throw in the government continuing to fund million dollar studies that try to figure out why lesbians are fat drunks (9)(10), you have a government that not only loves to study sex, but is also very kinky; and all at the cost of expenses that need not be cut.

Sources:

 1.       CNBC: http://www.cnbc.com/id/100514019

 2.      Washington Examiner: http://washingtonexaminer.com/white-house-cancels-tours-cites-sequestration-cuts/article/2523299?custom_click=rss

 3.      Politico: http://www.politico.com/story/2013/03/illegal-immigrants-released-88871.html

 4.      Miami Herald: http://www.miamiherald.com/2013/03/24/3304486/criminals-among-the-225-immigrants.html

 5.      Fox News/Weasel Zippers: http://weaselzippers.us/2013/03/27/obama-to-leave-large-portions-of-border-with-mexico-open-for-hours-at-time-because-of-sequester-cuts/

6.      Bloomberg: http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2013-03-22/faa-to-close-149-u-s-airport-towers-after-budget-cuts.html

 7.      CNS News: http://cnsnews.com/news/article/384949-federal-study-looks-plasticity-duck-penis-length

 8.      CNS News: http://cnsnews.com/news/article/feds-spending-880000-study-benefits-snail-sex

 9.      CNS News: http://cnsnews.com/news/article/feds-spend-15-million-study-why-lesbians-are-fat

 10.      CNS News: http://cnsnews.com/news/article/27m-federal-study-why-do-lesbians-have-higher-risk-hazardous-drinking

 


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